"There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth."

--

"Ronaldo's six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking - he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster - that would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and he's got a massive one."

--

"Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We'd never hear the end of it!"

--

"I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark."

--

"The fat lady hasn't started to sing yet, but she has a microphone in her hand."

--

"Anybody who is a QPR fan is welcome at Loftus Road. I'd be happy for him to turn up for a kickabout, just so long as he brings that Kate Moss with him - she's absolutely lovely."

--

"If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy (of attacking football)."

--

"I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season."

--

"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled.

"Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi.

"She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee."

--

"Right now, everything is going wrong for me - if I fell in a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb!"